Heartache can come in so many different forms. Lovers. Children. Family. The worst yet is when it comes from your own parents. How can someone who brought you into this world make you feel like less than this world? How can someone dismiss the memories you hold as a child- good memories and bad- because they don’t want to remember what imprint they’ve left on your soul? To tell you that your memory of visiting the house in which your lover lived. The man with whom you left your husband and 4 children. Telling me that I am making it up when I say I vividly remember standing in front of Grandpa’s bay window on Elm St., every single day hoping daddy would pull into the driveway with you. After weeks of searching for you, days of seeing daddy punch a wall, after finding out that you left us. How is it my memory of you and Grandma bringing me to “his” house is a made up memory? Because at the age of 7 I can’t recall the directions to his house? Therefore this makes my vivid, colorful crystal clear memory of being there, null of void? How can parents play the victim when it comes to their children? Why does it feel like every bloodshedding fight, every broken window and glass, every vulgar word thrown at each other with such hatred and hostility…how can that possibly be a child’s fault? A child’s responsibility to keep the peace between to adults?
25 years later, and I still can’t wrap my mind around how two people can inflict such damage on their children, and continue to put it on their grown adult-children as if THEY are the ones that need to reach out to their parents. THEY are the ones that need to fix the “victim” their mother wants to portray today. The words their dad wants to pitch so violently at us, and leave us questioning if he was sober or not when he did so.
There are so many things I vow as a parent myself- I vow to raise a well rounded son, spewing with confidence and respect. I vow to raise a boy who will grow into a man and treat a lady with such respect. But, sad as it may be, the biggest vow of all, is to never left my son have a children that resembles my own.